Ryan Kalil picked up my phone call at 9:01 p.m. on Saturday, after the second time he’s ever experienced the first day of work.
He was exhausted. He was in New York with his wife, Natalie, and their four young children. He had taken his physical; was given the second NFL playbook he’s ever owned, toured new facilities, shook unfamiliar hands.
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Three days ago, Kalil, 34, signed a one-year, $8.4 million deal with the Jets to be their mercenary center and mentor to second-year quarterback Sam Darnold.
Four months ago, Kalil was jogging on the beach in Southern California, his childhood home, where he had moved after the Carolina Panthers’ 2018 season. He had changed his phone number back to a So-Cal area code. His plan was to run Mortal Media, the production company he co-founded with NBA star Blake Griffin, full-time. He and Natalie had just pushed forward plans for the Kalil Family foundation, partnering with a company that prints 3D houses to provide shelter for the homeless.
The Panthers’ 2018 season, he had said last summer, would be his last. He was selected by the Panthers in the second round of the 2007 NFL Draft, and he stayed in Carolina for the next 12 years. He built a home in Charlotte. He and Natalie started a family. But two years of neck and shoulder injuries had hurt his soul a little. Sitting on the sideline was just not what he, a five-time Pro Bowler and two-time All-Pro, did. That wasn’t the life he wanted.
He had thought, at that time, that maybe his body was done.
Kalil thought that he would leave the NFL in 2018 after a disappointing season for everybody involved with the Carolina Panthers.
But then …
I remember when you said it was going to be your last year. … I guess the only way to start is to ask: What happened between then and now?
I think a lot of that stemmed from the fact that I had two tough injuries back to back that were keeping me off the field. I think I sort of saw it as a sign that maybe it was time to move on, and maybe make peace with that. (At the beginning of the 2018 season), I had one year left on my deal. And so I kind of wanted to force myself to really enjoy my time there. And just really not take anything for granted that season, and really enjoy my teammates and enjoy the incredible job that is playing professional football.
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I’ve been very fortunate in my career to stay in one place, and that’s not really the norm. So I just didn’t want to take anything for granted.
And then … what happened was I felt good. I felt great. I finished the season, and I didn’t miss a game. And obviously that was not how I envisioned the end there, and it just kind of stuck with me. There are a lot of people in my circle that sort of were strangely almost manifesting my thoughts to me, vocally. “Why are you hanging it up?” and “Are you sure you’re done? You don’t seem like you’re done.” … So a lot of those things, I think, were possible just coming from me and how I was acting and feeling. But I felt beholden to stick to what I had decided to do, and it just didn’t last long.
I got to about March, April, moved back to California. And honestly, staying up to date with the news around the league and obviously with the Panthers, I was jealous watching the guys run around and getting ready — seeing the guys all around each other and doing the “Flex Fridays” and stuff. And I just, you know, I just started having the thought, “You don’t have to be jealous, you can still go do that and be a part of that.”
Unfortunately, though, it wasn’t going to be with Carolina because (at that point) they had already moved on (by signing former Denver Broncos center Matt Paradis to a three-year deal). They got a great player in Matt. They really did. So that’s where it all kind of started.
I had lost a little bit of weight. And I had wanted to get back into lifting again, but when I started I only knew how to lift the way I had always lifted — which is getting ready for a season. So I started training, and I was feeling good. I started running a bunch down by the beach and I was feeling good doing that. And so just more and more, I kept having this thought in my head that maybe I’d give it another go.
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I expressed interest in maybe wanting to do another year, be one of those mercenary players that comes in and fills a role, and so I just mentioned it to my agent and told him to keep his ears on the ground to see if anything came up. I said it had to be the right situation. … And the Jets came up. (My agent) called me about a month later, and we started talking about it. Then, we started talking with the general manager for the Jets, and it started manifesting into something that might possibly be real, as I continued to train and get stronger and back into playing shape.
And then it was getting to a real place, and I started having second thoughts about it. I sat down with my family and had some long discussions with my wife about what it would mean, living in California and going all the way back to the East Coast.
And then I started having thoughts about what all of my buddies would think, and all my longtime teammates both former and current in Carolina, and coaches who I basically told I was done and going home. I had a lot of discussions with a lot of different guys, a lot of long conversations. I talked to Greg Olsen for a long time. I talked to Luke (Kuechly). Christian McCaffrey came out for my camp out in California, so he and I broke bread and talked about it for a long time. I talked to (offensive line coach John) Matsko for a long time, talked to (head coach Ron) Rivera a bunch, actually. And he had some great insight for me. He shared a lot about the end of his career when he was in Chicago, going through similar feelings about the game ending and it being so finite.
I’ve been playing football since I was 8 years old. And I know it’s something a lot of players go through, but it doesn’t matter how much you plan — and I did, I had a lot of stuff in place, a lot of plans in place — and I just, I just had this feeling that I was going to regret, if I had the opportunity to play just a little bit more I was going to regret not taking it. Because once that door is shut, it’s shut forever. Unless you’re Jason Witten. Then you can decide to do other things and just come back. But I don’t think I’m capable of doing that.
And then the final guy I called was Cam (Newton, for whom Kalil has been the center since Newton entered the league in 2011).
I had a really long talk with him. And he was great about it, we shared a long conversation about our time together and the game. He was very supportive.
So, that’s how it all came to be. Not a crazy story. But I was kind of upset because I started hearing rumblings like that I had “bad blood” with the Panthers. And that really, really bothered me. Because that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Kalil leading the way last season for McCaffrey. (Bob Donnan / USA Today)
When I spoke to Rivera very briefly yesterday about you, he was so freakin’ happy for you, man. He just seemed like he understands. He mentioned that when he talked to you in the spring, he kind of had this gut feeling like you maybe would get back into it, even though you were on the fence at that point. … You say this isn’t really a “crazy” story, but it just is a very human story. This is what it is, to be an NFL player in your position. This is what it feels like.
Yeah, I’m such a planner, too. I think, for whatever reason, I had it in my mind early in my career that I was going to go out on my own terms. Like, I thought that was super important — especially the longer I was getting into my career. I don’t know, I just think it was the wrong thing to — maybe that’s the not the correct way to phrase it. I don’t think that’s the “wrong” thing, but I think that for me personally …
(Kalil was silent for several moments)
I made a decision (to retire) based on the information I had at the time, and that was that I was not feeling like myself physically. Then last season, that information changed. So I felt differently about it.
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And it’s funny you say that about Ron. Because I know exactly what day he’s talking about because we went to lunch. And I was asking him a million questions about the team. I wanted to know everything — I was like, “What are you going to do about this? What are you going to do about him? What about this position? What’s the plan for this?”
I was so excited to talk to him about all of that stuff. And also, I was really sad. All of the answers he was giving me, I wasn’t going to be a part of.
(Silence)
It’s a strange feeling for me, knowing that I’m going to play again, but it’s not going to be with those guys. It’s bittersweet. But I’m happy with my decision. I’m not going to regret anything. Like I said, I love that team (the Panthers). I know all of the guys on that team. A lot of great memories and experiences that I got over the years from a multitude of incredible people, players and coaches. Hopefully, I can bring some of that here and be able to pay it forward to a new group of guys.
Just like you couldn’t control the injuries, you couldn’t control the feeling of missing football once you gave it up. I’m wondering what this whole experience has taught you about relinquishing that kind of control and essentially riding the wave.
I don’t know if I would’ve done anything differently. Because I think it kind of took me stepping away from the game, and making that such a finite thing, for me to kind of have all of these feelings. So I don’t know if it’s something that I would go back and do differently (if I could). I do think the act of me declaring that and letting the team know that I was going back West and that was it, gave me the ability to really be in a place where I could reflect on all of this, and really discover for myself that I just really love the game a lot more than I thought.
I mean, I’ve always loved the game of football. But there’s just nothing like Sundays. And, you know, it’s such a small blip of a career in the grand scheme of things that I just felt like if I didn’t squeeze every bit of it out, that I was going to somehow regret that. I don’t think I would be in this place right now had I not gone through with that, and put myself in a place where I could really understand how I feel about it and get a thousand-foot view.
When you were talking with Natalie about this, I’m sure it got very real in terms of laying everything out, what it would be like, projecting the experience.
It was easy to talk about — at first, in hypotheticals. But when the talks started manifesting into something more real — meaning the talks with the Jets and my agent — Natalie and I had to sit down and … I mean, the biggest thing was our kids. Charlotte has been our home for 12 years. It’s the only place my kids have ever known. We had already made a tough decision in deciding that we were going to head back West and go back to where our family was. And that was a really tough, emotional decision. Then, all of the sudden, their dad decides he’s not done playing. So we really had to discuss what that would look like and where that would be. So a lot of the talks really stemmed around the kids. My kids, they just really love Charlotte. So that was a really hard move for them and the idea of picking them back up again once we had gotten out west and sort of put roots there, then ask them to pick it up again, all of that stuff was … that all played into whether or not we were going to do this.
What was it like to weigh, “I feel it in my soul that I have to do this, and I want to do this, and I feel good” versus, “This is a really brutal game, and something could happen to my body”, balancing the toll this game takes versus wanting to get back into it?
Listen, I think it’s something that we all think about as athletes, in all sports. All of the sports have their different toll on the body. But I think most athletes I’ve talked to, even the ones who are really banged-up, they wouldn’t trade it for the world. At this point in my career, I’ve learned to not focus on that. That’s out of your control. I make a decision, and I live with it. I let the chips fall where they may. But it’s my choice.
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I think most football players understand the risks of what we do. And most football players will tell you that the reward of the chase, the thrill and the compensation, all of the above, far outweigh any of the risks. I don’t have a great answer for you, I just focus on what I can control, and that’s trying to be as strong and as in good a shape as I can be, try to take care of my body as much as I can and continue to be proactive and try to mitigate as much of that risk as possible — and just try to take care of my health, always.
I know this was such a long day for you. Have you even been able to process what it felt like?
(Laughs) For one, I just got the playbook. And it’s a lot different from the one I’ve had. … I took that for granted. It’s just weird. I feel like a transfer student, first day of school. It’s essentially that I have to start over. I think there will be a respect there because of the years I’ve played, but these guys don’t know who I am or how I play, or how I practice or any of that. Coaches too. So I have to earn that all over again. There’s a trust there that takes time to build, and it comes from the work and being a pro.
But that part of the process, I’ve always enjoyed. That’s something that right out of the gate I think I can help with younger guys. I look forward to teaching those younger guys how to work and how to be a pro the way I was taught.
A lot of nerves. But I’m excited. I’m excited I get to run around again and play football.
What did you think you were going to miss the most about playing, if you had hung it up?
Just the work environment. There’s nothing like it. The locker room. … And then the game. Sundays, they’re so intense. They’re so gut-wrenching. They’re so thrilling. That’s it. That was going to be it.
But also, it’s the people, right? You miss the people. It won’t be (the same). But there are good people all around the league. And I know good people here, and hopefully get to know more and get to share that camaraderie again, the camaraderie of being a part of a team and having a bunch of people working together for a common goal — and everybody sort of having a role in that. That’s all stuff I love and enjoy, and trying to figure all of that stuff out.
I don’t know if this is something you want to, or even can, answer right now — but do you think this is your last year?
(Drily) Well, that’s the one lesson I’ve learned — I’m going to stay in the moment. I think it’s a fair question, but I’m going to see how I feel at the end of the year.
(Top photo of Ryan Kalil: Courtesy of Kevin Ketchie / The Riot Report)
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